I sent this out as a newsletter, but after such a loving and wonderful response, I figured I would post it here. My favorite verse in the Bible, John 1:5 says, “The light shines in the darkness; and the darkness has not overcome it.” I am no stranger to the darkness. I do not think anyone is. Obviously, this verse is foreshadowing John’s portrayal of Christ. A universal truth in this verse is that hope is no stranger to us, even when we think it.
Hello dear friends,
I have been absent from this site for quite a while. I wish to use this newsletter to clarify some things for you and provide some updates.
I recently found myself in the woes of a serious mental health crisis. A number of factors contributed to this event: I tried coming off antidepressants well before I was ready, I was dealing with serious and unmerited stress at my job, finding myself unaware of what I believe and who I am, reexperiencing the grief of losing my mother and childhood trauma, recovering from a relapse in February after 19 months of sobriety, and struggling to maintain relationships with my loved ones due to my own insanity. I lost the job. I lost my closest friends (one to death) and a relationship with the only person who seemed to understand me. Most painful of them all, I lost myself.
On April 23rd of this year, I attempted suicide. That is truly hard to admit. I have struggled with suicidal thoughts for over half my life, attempting on several occasions, yet this one was the most extreme and consequential. The last times I had attempted, now over two years ago, I felt a sense of relief and contentment to be alive afterward. This time, the thoughts, the plans, the ideas only continued to get worse. I finally made a call that potentially saved my life. I called 988.
I had always been hesitant about calling this number. I feared the police would come and lock me up. It was not so. I was connected with a professional counselor who dispatched a team to come to my home and perform a mental health assessment. I spent over a week in a crisis center. It was coming; I sought therapy after my attempt in April, but that was not enough. My therapist essentially forced me to call the number. Either I would, or she would have me involuntarily committed. Obviously, I took the first choice.
Writing has always been an excellent coping strategy of mine, yet recently I have found it rather burdensome. Especially to dedicate to writing on the problem of suffering and Christianity, which plays a traumatic role in my life alone. That being said, I do not know when or if I will return to posting regularly. Right now, my focus lies in repairing what I can of the damage I caused myself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. It lies in repairing the bonds I have broken, the few that I can salvage. And it lies in ensuring that I do not repeat these mistakes again.
I am in therapy. I am on new medications that have worked better than the ones I was on previously. I have a new job. I have a desire to live and take things one day at a time. And most importantly, I have hope. Part of this recovery process requires me to confess my shortcomings to you, the readers who have supported my efforts. It has required me to be honest with the few friends and family remaining, after causing them extreme worry. Of course, it has required me to be honest with myself. That, my friends, is recovery. It’s a work in progress, but it is one I am wholeheartedly committed to.
There is a certain stigma about mental health, especially where I am in the southeastern US. But it is very real and very concerning. If you or someone you love is struggling, help is available. I was not aware of this help when I needed it most. The danger is real. As someone who struggles with a variety of mental health disorders, I can attest that it is no laughing matter… Despite what your pastor tells you.
Please continue to share Living by the Logos. It is my mission to provide hope to others who struggle. And I hope to return to it soon. But I cannot give hope if I do not have hope to give; the current mission is to rekindle such hope. I am confident that there is hope. There is always hope.
Your thoughts, concerns, and prayers are much appreciated during this time.
I hope to write to you soon,
Luke.