There was a time when I would speak like I was there
Under the light of absolution and repair
But here in the fallout I can see where I went wrong
Playing Judas in the dark under my song
Where is the peace that I once heard
Would follow grace?
All of the holes within my heart
Go separate ways
Demon Hunter, “Black Stained Glass,” 2024 Weapons MFG, https://open.spotify.com/track/2tqDaLeHCIcMXL17mJXOjN.
Introduction
Regret is a feeling that we have all experienced at one point or another. We regret our actions, the words we use, and the hurt we cause others, ourselves, and our higher powers. It is never a feeling that anybody wants, but oftentimes, it is one that we need. In this post, I would like to paint a portrait of the beauty of regret. Of all the negative emotions humans experience, regret is the one that promotes growth and healing in times of suffering.
As I have discussed before, I am a recovering alcoholic. I am currently in my second round of recovery after a major slip-up last year. Although I never desired broken relationships, the pain I caused others and myself, or the time I wasted getting drunk, the regret for my actions was necessary for me to heal. We all know that the first step in recovery is admitting that we have a problem. We have a problem that we regret.
This week, I did something that I deeply regretted. I acted out of character and caused someone close to me to suffer. I used poor words and judgment and rather than first address the problem internally, I pushed the blame on someone else. In the moment, it seemed right; in the days that followed, I began to realize the consequences my actions held over me, and the other person involved. And I slipped into a captivating feeling of regret.
Having made my amends and at least corrected my ill-tempered behavior, I began to evaluate my position on regret and what the Bible says about it. I know now that I needed that feeling, as painful as it was, to move me to right my wrongs. Throughout this struggle, I found myself asking ontological questions regarding regret. Of course, I turned to the main source I can (almost) always rely on: the Bible. The Bible endorses the same conviction I hold that it is more than just okay to experience regret. Here are my reasons why.
Regret Moves Us to Action
In the Gospel of Matthew, we find two back-to-back depictions of regret. We will first look at the second example: Judas Iscariot. Judas is infamously known for his betrayal of Jesus for a mere thirty pieces of silver. Instead of approaching this as the church normally does, wherein Judas is just the antagonist, a pawn of Satan, let us imagine that he recognized the ramifications of his actions.
Imagine having a boss you love (hard to imagine, yes, but bear with me). This boss cares for each member of your team, will listen to your concerns with an understanding and compassionate heart, and moves to remind you of your value. However, your company’s rival boss informs you that they secretly work for a major drug cartel. You report this information to your boss’s supervisor and later that day, they are fired. Days later, you hear that your former boss has completed suicide and an investigation into them has proven their innocence. A lie results in the loss of an honorable member of society.
How would you feel in this moment? Would you simply shrug it off? Would you continue to trust the rival boss? Judas, no doubt, felt the burden of regret. He had betrayed one of the most important figures in history and because of him, the Son of Man died. Judas, exacerbated by his actions, buys a field and hangs himself. He dies the very fate God appointed Adam to centuries before, “For dust you are and to dust you will return” (Gen. 3:19, NIV).
The first example in Matthew is another disciple, Peter. It is the example with which we are all familiar. Fulfilling Jesus’ prophecy, Peter denies Christ three times before the rooster crows. Peter then “went out and wept bitterly” (Matt. 26:75). In the epilogue to John’s Gospel, Peter makes his amends with Jesus by affirming his love and belief for him three times. Peter became the founder of the church, as Jesus also prophesied. The church became corrupt when Paul took over and has remained corrupt ever since. But Peter found redemption through his regret.
Everyone and Everything Experiences Regret
Regret is as old as time itself. From the very first book in the Bible, characters experience regret, including God himself. The first character to express regret in the chronological order of the biblical canon is, in fact, God. In Genesis 6, God sends a flood to wipe out his people. Why does he do this? Because, according to verse 6 (CJB), “Adonai regretted that he had made humankind on the earth; it grieved his heart.” This is not the only instance of God expressing regret; in 2 Samuel 11, God expresses his regret for making Saul King of Israel.
Whether or not we accept the doctrine of a perfect, infallible God, we can know that God feels regret the same way we do. I personally do not believe the God of the Bible is truly perfect (a discussion not for here, but a later time) as the Christian faith posits. I am sure that if he regrets making an evil world, then he must surely regret the innocent people he slaughters throughout the Bible. God makes mistakes; although the Bible never states this verbatim, there are stories of God committing wrongs.
If we do accept belief in a perfect God, we are consoled in knowing that such a higher power is not excused from the emotion of regret. And if God can experience regret, then we should not let this feeling lead us to act as Judas did in his regret. Judas let his regret eat him alive; God, typical of him when wrong, corrects his wrongdoing (through archaic means, of course) and moves forward without second-guessing his actions. I would like to advocate for students of the Bible to pursue a median between the two examples. I’ll explain below.
So I was Wrong: What Should I Do?
My regrets almost consumed me the way Judas Iscariot’s regret devastated him. I will never forget the feeling I had last April when I made my latest (and final) suicide attempt. I had failed the most important person in my life at that point. I knew that I could never repair the damage I caused this person. As I became so focused on the harm I caused this other person, I began to regret the pain I had caused everyone in my life up to this point. I abandoned all hope.
I attempted suicide, and by the grace of some deity far greater than myself or, in my completely honest opinion, the God of the Bible, I am still alive. In that moment, I felt that I had no other option. Now, I can look back and imagine if I approached my regret the same way God did prior to the great deluge or appointing Saul to kingship. I could have forgiven myself only and let the pain I caused others drown all of them. Would I be happier today? I do not believe so. I can at least see that, after focusing on repairing myself, I tried to correct my actions.
Conclusion
No person truly lives without ever experiencing regret. It comes with not only being human, but existing in any form of life whatsoever. Fallible or infallible, good or evil, right or wrong, we all make mistakes. We all do things that cause others or ourselves harm. We start arguments. We yell. We fight. We do whatever we can to protect our lives, our image, or our loved ones. With this feat programmed within each of us, we are bound to do something we regret sooner or later.
But those mistakes never have to have the final word. If we have the power to make mistakes, then we have the power to correct such mistakes. It is never easy. It requires one of the most invaluable traits humans possess: humility. What is humility? It is taking steps to correct our wrongs. It is being able to admit when we messed up. It is striving to do whatever it takes to correct said actions. Last but not least, it is the basis of forming healthy relationships with those we love.
Regret is a powerful word. It is an emotion that compels us to right our wrongs. Humility leads us to get over ourselves and put the needs of others before our wants and desires. I never want to cause another person to suffer; when I do, as I did last weekend, it cripples me. The very thing that I wish to (but cannot) eradicate is the same thing I have subjected the people I love most to. It is not until the fallout that I can see where I went wrong; but it is better late than never. There is always the chance to heal and repair what is broken, the things we regret; it just takes courage and humility.